“I actually was recording it and you can audibly hear me at the end of it, after they voted unanimously I was definitely overwhelmed with emotion.”
That was the reaction of Jodi Marissen when at the April 15 meeting, members of St. Thomas city council unanimously endorsed a motion declaring intimate partner violence to be an epidemic in the city.
That motions was based on a letter sent to council by Marissen – and supported by similar correspondence from St. Thomas Police Chief Marc Roskamp – urging council to take that step on behalf “of all the vulnerable women and children of the City of St. Thomas . . . on behalf of the abused women and children of the City of St. Thomas . . . on behalf of the women and children of the City of St. Thomas who have died at the hands of their abusers.”
We caught up with her this past week and engaged in a lengthy conversation on what led up to her advocacy on behalf of women caught up in domestic violence.
Upon hearing the vote was unanimous Marissen recalled, “I was hoping that was the way it was going to go and to see it in real time left me speechless.”
For the past decade, she has lived with the repercussions of intimate partner violence, endured the shortcomings of the judicial system and turned to advocacy to “bring light to this worldwide issue.”
One incident in particular convinced her to take the bold step of writing mayor and council to endorse the declaration on behalf of “the women and children who no longer can lead this fight because their lives were tragically taken from them at the hands of their abusers.”
The impetus was the death of 38-year-old Tanya Wiebe, whose body was found in late January of this year in a house on Roberts Line in Central Elgin.
In the same house was the body of 34-year-old Kyle Savage in what is believed to be a murder-suicide.
Elgin OPP are continuing with their investigation.
“The death of Tanya Wiebe really set me forward and changed my perspective on whether I wanted to be the frontrunner,” advised Marissen.
In reflecting on her abusive relationship, an obvious question is whether there were times when she questioned whether she might have triggered the behaviour from her partner.
“There was a point for sure. It’s a tough one because when something happens, it’s a natural, innate instinct to wonder how we got ourselves to that place.
“As I had started to type up this letter, I actually stopped. It took a couple of weeks and a couple of therapy sessions to really find the courage to be able to finish typing up this letter.”
“I don’t know if I’ve ever blamed myself for what’s happened because I have learned in a lot of these years and experiences that there is only so much I can control. It is not my fault for things that have happened because of what somebody else chose to do.”
Marissen continued, “This is the toughest part. For the last 10 years, I have been dealing with my abuse. It’s definitely not as impactful in my life now at this point. But, it still affects my daily living and we have kids together so there is always going to be this tie to him whether we communicate, which we don’t.”
We went back to the intestinal fortitude required to begin crafting her letter.
“As I had started to type up this letter, I actually stopped. It took a couple of weeks and a couple of therapy sessions to really find the courage to be able to finish typing up this letter.
“But the huge catalyst in finishing it, unfortunately, was the death of Tanya Wiebe.”
A woman Marissen says she never met.
“I didn’t, even though she is from the area and we have a lot of mutual friends who speak so highly of her and what a tragedy and what a huge loss this is.
“I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing her, but I know her in the sense that there are so many of her and me in this world who have fallen victim to intimate partner violence and it is not our fault.”
Reflecting on the past ten years Marissen acknowledged, “I have a huge, huge history and we’ve had a lot of loss, we’ve had a lot of pain, we have had a lot of grief and we’ve had a lot of growth, too.
“After this happened with Tanya, I felt like I owed it to her. People need to remember her, people need to say her name because this happens to so many people.
“The statistics are astronomical and especially post-COVID.”
Police Chief Marc Roskamp confirmed in 2023, there was a 9.5 per cent increase in responding to matters of intimate partner violence and/or gender-based violence.
After investigating, they resulted in 221 criminal charges in 2023, a 30.7 per cent increase over the previous year.
Roskamp advised, “There has been a steady and concerning rise in intimate partner violence throughout Ontario in recent years, including in the City of St. Thomas.”
“That was the scariest time,” continued Marissen, “not for me personally because I am safe in my home with my children.
“But, I just know there were so many who were not safe and even going into the pandemic, my experiences with finding support and finding help through domestic violence was almost brick wall after brick wall after brick wall.
“To be able to finish writing that letter and then be able to go and drop it off (at city hall in St. Thomas) and then be able to go to the council meeting and then to be voted unanimously, I feel it is the least that I can do because these women and children are losing their lives unnecessarily.”
A huge piece of the letter is how relateable Tanya’s story is to her life,” stressed Marissen.
“I could have been her. That very easily could have happened. I guess there still is a potential. I have found in my experience with this particular abuser that there is no accountability.
“And I see it time and time again in the news and you can watch it anywhere, you can watch it on Netflix, on Prime Video, on cable TV, you can watch it on the internet. It is scary how many stories there are.
“Statistically a man’s history of abuse and breaches and all of these aggressive, dangerous charges and they are never held accountable. And if there are no consequences, it leads to cases like Keira and Tanya. “It’s scary.”
Kiera in this case is four-year-old Keira Kagan, who was found dead with her father at the bottom of a cliff outside of Toronto in 2020.
Her death was a driving force behind Bill C-233, which was sponsored by Liberal MP Anju Dhillon and is referred to as Keira’s Law.
It requires judges to consider domestic violence and coercive control when issuing decisions.
Keira’s mother, Jennifer Kagan-Viater, had tried to call attention to the danger her daughter’s father presented to their child well before their death.
Too often when dealing with police or the judicial system, the onus falls on the victim, or there are too many shortcomings within those systems, noted Marissen.
“It is a lot of work and it takes a lot of dedication just to find the help you need. And I am terrified for women or children or those who are the most vulnerable who need these supports but don’t know how to find them through the system.”
“It is infuriating. And I had a conversation with somebody the other day and it was specifically regarding being able to maneuver through these systems.
“We have so many systems that are in place that are supposed to make us feel safe and they are supposed to be there to support us and they are supposed to be there to help us and back us up and listen to our voices.
“I have found so much disappointment in these systems and I have been involved in them for 10 years and I just feel, fortunately, lucky enough to have the intelligence to know how to advocate for myself.
“To know what avenues to go down to be able to find the supports that I need. And, I don’t mean that in a negative way to anyone else that needs help through the system.
“It is a lot of work and it takes a lot of dedication just to find the help you need. And I am terrified for women or children or those who are the most vulnerable who need these supports but don’t know how to find them through the system.
“I don’t have anyone in Aylmer who can help. In fact, I had to lay charges myself because Aylmer Police just don’t take things seriously, in my opinion, and in my experiences.
“It’s really frustrating because I think about somebody who may not speak perfect English or somebody who doesn’t know how to find help.
“I need these supports to be more readily available to all of the people who need to use these resources, but it’s hard when they don’t exist or it takes more work than somebody can put in to find them.”
“There are so many pieces of advice that I heard along the way. Things like you know better or why didn’t you just leave? Or, it couldn’t have been that bad.”
It boils down to persistence and dedication, added Marissen.
“There is a lot to be said about that. It is almost more traumatizing to try and find the support you need from the traumas that have happened.
“And I am 10 years into it and I can go and lay a charge against somebody, I have fought for myself in family court, I have self-represented.
“I have had to try and find resources to help with all of the experiences I have had to just have a healthy life with my children.”
Surely those experiences must lead to periods of overwhelming discouragement.
“Incredibly discouraged, I would say, is an understatement. Even agencies like FACS, which is supposed to be there to be helpful, instead it’s judgement and shame and guilt and threats of if you can’t get out of this relationship, then we’re going to take your kids from you.
“There are so many things that are outside of my control. Whether it was a lack of training or it’s a lack of understanding or whether it’s personal ignorance, I’m not entirely sure but for how many times I made phone calls to Aylmer Police it was like, ‘She’s crazy, don’t listen to anything she says.’
“It was a nightmare. How does a person survive these scenarios when they have to do it by themselves?
“There were not a lot of things I had to keep me going, but the five children were enough for me to see what is wrong with the world and learn how to adapt and maneuver through it and be able to survive.”
Marissen recalled, “There are so many pieces of advice that I heard along the way. Things like you know better or why didn’t you just leave? Or, it couldn’t have been that bad.
“Things like that make it so much worse. And they are almost a go-to for people to say as an instant response.”
What would she say to a woman trapped in that cycle of abuse, not knowing where to turn next and no light visible at the end of the tunnel?
“Try to change the narrative. What I would say is that you are loved, that you are important and that this world needs you. There is always going to be someone there to support you and to give you a safe space.
“But the hardest part about that, looking statistically at a woman leaving an abusive relationship, it takes an average of eight times.”
And those are the kind of facts that somebody like Family & Children Services and the police and anybody like a counsellor or some kind of support system needs to understand.
“I have been doing this for 10 years and I pretty much have it figured out now, but somebody who is brand new to the system like an 18-year-old girl whose boyfriend beat her up, she’s now got to deal with the conditions that come along with it and he’s messaging or he’s calling.”
“It’s not just he threw something at me and I’m going to leave and that’s it. Sometimes there is so much more to it that you can’t just leave.
“There are so many problems with this world in terms of the court system and the way that it works. Even when it comes to criminal charges, my ex-partner has charges that I’ve laid on him, he has other charges related to a separate incident of extreme violence.
“And just in talking with the courts, with victim witness services they say they are ‘going to drop three of the charges, we’ll keep one, we’ll make him plead guilty and give him probation.’
“It’s crazy.”
Asked about the whereabouts of her ex-partner, Marissen acknowledged, “He is not in the area right now because he is out on bail and the only surety he could find is a significant distance from here.
“His charges are breaches. He had a peace bond and he breached it by e-mailing me. They did lay a charge so he had extra conditions. He is not supposed to be in Aylmer and he is not supposed to communicate with me directly or indirectly.
“His surety e-mailed me and that is another breach and he actually talked to me over one of the kids’ access calls and so that was another breach. The police didn’t want to lay the charges so I went and did it.
“What is scary is these are the kind of men, statistically, who are the highest risk for murder or very violent abuse or stalking or harassing.
“They are not taking breaches seriously, because his breach wasn’t ‘I’m going to kill you.’
“It was just an email, but an email is a breach and the courts don’t take it seriously. They don’t find any red flag in a breach which is already proving somebody can’t follow new rules that are set out for them for breaking the rules.
“I know there is only so much the police can do and at the end of the day, it doesn’t really come down to them. They lay their charge, they send it to the Crown and the Crown decides.
“What I don’t like is how much power the Crown has. I don’t get consulted on any plea deal. My input doesn’t matter. I don’t think I have been given the opportunity to submit a victim impact statement in the probably dozen convictions that my ex-partner has, just from me, alone.”
Marissen has a straightforward request.
“I want to be a part of what is happening. I’m not just going to go away quietly. These are a big deal, even if they are just a breach.
“I had a conversation with the Crown and I don’t know how often they do things like that. I have become such a pain in the ass they have to get back to me.”
It comes down to the existing support services being overwhelmed, observed Marissen.
“They have too many cases, they don’t have enough staff to sufficiently help the victims they are representing. I just think there should be so much more support and communication.
“I have been doing this for 10 years and I pretty much have it figured out now, but somebody who is brand new to the system like an 18-year-old girl whose boyfriend beat her up, she’s now got to deal with the conditions that come along with it and he’s messaging or he’s calling.
“I am getting so tired of losing women and children because nobody is listening.”
Victim Services Elgin provides support services and can be reached at 519-631-3182 or by email at info@victimserviceselgin.com.
HER BEST DAYS ARE AHEAD
Liberal and New Democrat MPs are disappointed with the loss of the longtime Conservative chair of the parliamentary committee on the status of women.
Government members say they were sad to hear Elgin-Middlesex-London MP Karen Vecchio would no longer be at the helm, after having first served as chair in 2017.
Her time as committee chair ended April 17 and the Conservatives on the committee voted the next day to replace her with Tory MP Shelby Kramp-Neuman.
In 2019, Vecchio was named Shadow Minister for Women and Gender Equality. She vowed to focus on human trafficking across Canada.
At the time she advised, “We know there is a hub in London, so for me that is a really important thing I’ll also be focusing on true equality.
“What does that mean for men, for women, for people of the LGBTQ2+ community and looking at how we can proceed with any legislation or policies that make sure we have true equality for all Canadians.”
Vecchio added she would also use her new title to advocate on behalf of women working in Science, Engineering, Technology and Math industries such as agriculture, oil and gas, and manufacturing as women continue to be underrepresented in these fields.
“Who have shared with me the exploitation of their own selves when they were 11 years old. These are the things we have to be aware of and, as a community, we can work to alleviate this.”
In October of 2022, Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre announced Vecchio would remain as Shadow Minister for Women and Gender Equality and Youth.
Earlier that year on the steps of city hall in St. Thomas to commemorate National Human Trafficking Awareness Day in Canada, Vecchio noted human trafficking is real.
“I have had the opportunity to speak with so many victims from coast to coast to coast who have shared with me their stories about human trafficking.
“Who have shared with me the exploitation of their own selves when they were 11 years old. These are the things we have to be aware of and, as a community, we can work to alleviate this.”
Kelly Tallon Franklin, director and founder of Courage for Freedom paid tribute to what Vecchio was able to achieve as chair.
“I believe Karen’s best days are ahead of her. This might actually be an opportunity for Karen to sink her teeth into some of the work that she has prioritized on behalf of all of us.”
“Karen put in the work to do the work that was apolitical for the committee and we were reliant on whoever was chairing to operate in an apolitical and democratic fashion and Karen was that person.
“Karen represented all parties, she did the hard work, she visited across Canada.
“She was in tune with what is currently in the hearts and minds of Canadians. Specifically in violence against women and girls.”
Tallon Franklin is renowned for her work in anti-human trafficking, sexual exploitation and gender-based violence.
She observed, “Not being assigned as the chairperson may allow Karen to do some more active work. Because as the chair, she cannot take forward anything that she feels is on her agenda, specifically from our community as Elgin-Middlesex-London and on behalf of Canadians because she has to keep partiality.
“I believe Karen’s best days are ahead of her. This might actually be an opportunity for Karen to sink her teeth into some of the work that she has prioritized on behalf of all of us.”
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